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Frankfurt-Beesa
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| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
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Posted: Fri Jul 27th, 2007 06:10 pm |
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This was really funny but is gone
Last edited on Tue Jul 31st, 2007 08:40 am by Frankfurt-Beesa
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jessplop84
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| Joined: | Fri Jan 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Lancashire, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 5946 |
| Favourite Bike: | Triumph T140V & H-D FXR lowrider |
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Posted: Fri Jul 27th, 2007 10:00 pm |
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Frankfurt-Beesa wrote:
Don't you start!
____________________
"Keep the sh!te out of our sheds"*
http://www.yeti-monster.com : applied shedology
*early 1970s shedology campaign slogan.
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millard
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| Joined: | Mon Apr 16th, 2007 |
| Location: | United Kingdom |
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Posted: Sat Jul 28th, 2007 10:58 am |
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http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/6917113.stm
in light of the above report about the American moggie that can predict the imminent deaths of the inmates of an old folk's home, this story has just emerged from our local vet's. A local lady took her elderly and ailing mutt to the vet and he quickly pronounced it sick and about to die. The lady was rather shocked and upset and asked for a second opinion. The vet left the room and returned a moment later with a large ginger moggie under his arm. When he put the moggie on the floor next to the mutt it slowly circled the dog sniffing carefuly as it went. On completion of it's inspection the cat stood still with it's tail pointed straight up in the air.
"That confirms it I'm afraid" said the vet.
"That'll be 250 quid"
"Why so much?" asks the lady
"50 quid for my fee and -"
wait for it
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"200 for the cat scan"
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millard
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 16th, 2007 |
| Location: | United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 144 |
| Favourite Bike: | all of em |
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Posted: Sat Jul 28th, 2007 11:02 am |
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A really fat chick walks up to a bikey in a bar and says " If you can guess my weight you can shag me "
Bloke says "Bout 3 ton you fat ugly cow"
She says
"thats close enough you lucky bastard"
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pete
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Posted: Sat Jul 28th, 2007 11:35 am |
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Good job he didn't get his guide dog in to have a look too. The Lab work is another extra £200
millard wrote: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/6917113.stm
in light of the above report about the American moggie that can predict the imminent deaths of the inmates of an old folk's home, this story has just emerged from our local vet's. A local lady took her elderly and ailing mutt to the vet and he quickly pronounced it sick and about to die. The lady was rather shocked and upset and asked for a second opinion. The vet left the room and returned a moment later with a large ginger moggie under his arm. When he put the moggie on the floor next to the mutt it slowly circled the dog sniffing carefuly as it went. On completion of it's inspection the cat stood still with it's tail pointed straight up in the air.
"That confirms it I'm afraid" said the vet.
"That'll be 250 quid"
"Why so much?" asks the lady
"50 quid for my fee and -"
wait for it
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
"200 for the cat scan"
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
| Favourite Bike: | My little HodgePodge |
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Posted: Tue Jul 31st, 2007 08:34 am |
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A guy sitting at a Bar in Brussels Airport noticed a very beautiful woman
sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she
must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself,
"Oh sh!t, she doesn't work for Delta". A moment later, another slogan
popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special
in the air?" She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the
list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him "What the F**K do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said
...............
"Ahhhhh, Ryanair!"
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850norton
Member
| Joined: | Wed Jan 31st, 2007 |
| Location: | Banbury,OXON/Elmendorf,, Texas USA |
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Posted: Tue Jul 31st, 2007 10:43 am |
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What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and the Post Office?
The Boy Scouts have adult supervision !
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You sick little monkey!!!!!! Everyone has the right to be stupid....some abuse that right !!!
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millard
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| Joined: | Mon Apr 16th, 2007 |
| Location: | United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 144 |
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Posted: Tue Jul 31st, 2007 11:10 am |
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England : The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
France : The government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy : Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
Germany : They also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgium : Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
Spain : The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
The Swiss have taken the phone off the hook.
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millard
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 16th, 2007 |
| Location: | United Kingdom |
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Posted: Tue Jul 31st, 2007 04:30 pm |
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SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for "large".
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last'."
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor "assisted living apartment" .. Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly."
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
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Posted: Wed Aug 1st, 2007 10:38 am |
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A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco (Grocery Store) with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"
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Broadbandylegs
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| Joined: | Sat Jan 27th, 2007 |
| Location: | Glasgow, United Kingdom |
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Posted: Sat Aug 4th, 2007 02:29 pm |
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Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV
& Radio
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoria from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
2 . New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother."
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew."
5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,
because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday."
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this."
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it himself.
____________________
When everything is said and done, a lot more will be said than done.
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jessplop84
Member
| Joined: | Fri Jan 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Lancashire, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 5946 |
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Posted: Sun Aug 5th, 2007 07:00 am |
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____________________
"Keep the sh!te out of our sheds"*
http://www.yeti-monster.com : applied shedology
*early 1970s shedology campaign slogan.
|
jessplop84
Member
| Joined: | Fri Jan 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Lancashire, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 5946 |
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Posted: Sun Aug 5th, 2007 07:02 am |
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____________________
"Keep the sh!te out of our sheds"*
http://www.yeti-monster.com : applied shedology
*early 1970s shedology campaign slogan.
|
LozExpat
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Sat Dec 23rd, 2006 |
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Posted: Sun Aug 5th, 2007 07:21 am |
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broadbandylegs,
I have just laughed, cried choked and scared everyone in this internet cafe! Those double entendres are just the business. Just what I needed to jump start a sunday afternoon!
Thanks and God bless you!
and have some mana for your trouble. 
Last edited on Sun Aug 5th, 2007 07:25 am by LozExpat
____________________
You can have things or you can have money... So I went for both. They never mentioned frustration...B*stards!
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Broadbandylegs
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Posted: Sun Aug 5th, 2007 12:26 pm |
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Loz - same thing happened to me when I saw them. I was at work - everyone thought I was having a breakdown or something!
After I'd sent it round the team, there wasn't a lot of useful work done for the rest of the afternoon. Sometimes that's what a Friday afternoon needs.
Try this link for a chuckle .....
http://www.esnips.com/doc/aa331f6b-8226-4cd8-a4c7-a33912efca48/Demolitioncall
____________________
When everything is said and done, a lot more will be said than done.
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ClassicMCnut
Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 6th, 2007 06:34 pm |
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Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
>
>
> 1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner.
."
>
>
> 2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
>
> 1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
>
> 2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
> them new fangled warshin' machines!"
>
> 1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"
>
> 2nd Hillbilly: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
>
> 3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
> wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin'
fer
> some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
>
> 1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
>
> 3rd Hillbilly : "She ain't got no pecker."
____________________
Do unto others before they do unto you.Wise men learn by other men's mistakes,fools by their own.
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 07:15 am |
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And on that note we'll continue .
It has recently been discovered that the toothbrush was invented by hillbillies, as otherwise it would have been called a 'Teethbrush'.
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LozExpat
Super Moderator
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 07:34 am |
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| I like the invisible one in your avatar best... where do you get those?
____________________
You can have things or you can have money... So I went for both. They never mentioned frustration...B*stards!
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
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| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 07:36 am |
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This is not intended to be offensive in any way
A trucker in the Southern states has hit upon the idea of recycling old chipped and damaged bowling balls from the bowling alleys round the state. One day when hees made his rounds and the back of the truck is about half full (bowling being very popular) he's driving along and sees a couple of black kids bushing their bicycles along the road, it's about 5 miles to the next town so he decides to help. He pulls over and asks if they would like a ride to the next town, they happily thank him for the offer and he helps them into the back of the truck with their bikes. A couple of miles down the road he's pulled over by the local deputy, deputy cleetus (not the sharpest tool in the shed) asks for licence and registration, all in order he demands to see what's in the truck, takes one look in the back, runs back to his cruiser and gets on the radio, "Sherriff!, Sherriff!" he yells down the mike, "I just pulled over a trucker smuggling nigger eggs, two of them's hatched and they already stole two bicycles".
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LozExpat
Super Moderator
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Posted: Sun Aug 12th, 2007 07:39 am |
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| I like the invisible brush in your avatar best!
____________________
You can have things or you can have money... So I went for both. They never mentioned frustration...B*stards!
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