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| Author | Post |
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ClassicMCnut
Member
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Posted: Fri Jun 22nd, 2007 01:04 pm |
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Woman went into police station and complained to the desk sergeant
"I been raped by 2 council workers"
Sergeant: "How do you know they were council workers?"
Woman: "I had to do all the work"
____________________
Do unto others before they do unto you.Wise men learn by other men's mistakes,fools by their own.
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ClassicMCnut
Member
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Posted: Sat Jun 23rd, 2007 12:24 pm |
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| Oooooppsss
____________________
Do unto others before they do unto you.Wise men learn by other men's mistakes,fools by their own.
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chancho196
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Posted: Sat Jun 23rd, 2007 10:48 pm |
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THE DRAGON SLAYER
Once upon a time, and far far away lived a Beautiful Queen with
voluptuous breasts. Nick, the Dragon Slayer, was obsessed with the Queen's
breasts, but knew that the penalty for ever acting on his desire would
be death. One day, Nick revealed his secret desire to Horatio, who was the
king's chief Physician. Horatio, the Physician, said that he could arrange for
Nick, the Dragon Slayer, to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000
gold coins. Without pause, Nick, the Dragon Slayer, readily agreed
to the terms.
The next day, Horatio, the Physician, made a batch of itching
powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she
bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio, the
Physician, informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for
four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only
the saliva of Nick, the Dragon Slayer, would work as the antidote to cure
the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick, the Dragon Slayer. Horatio, the
Physician, then slipped Nick, the Dragon Slayer, the antidote for the
itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth. For the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent
breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick, the Dragon Slayer,
left not only satisfied, but touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber,
Nick, the Dragon Slayer, found Horatio, the Physician, demanding his
payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick,
the Dragon Slayer realized that Horatio, the Physician,
could never report this matter to the King, and so with a laugh,
he told Horatio to take a hike.
The next day, Horatio, the Physician, slipped a massive dose of
the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately
summoned Nick, the Dragon Slayer.
The moral of the story - Pay your bills
____________________
Don't fix what ain't broke!!!!!
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chancho196
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Posted: Fri Jun 29th, 2007 09:31 pm |
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Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it - full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."
Nelson: "Differently-abled?! I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't et the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider killing every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
____________________
Don't fix what ain't broke!!!!!
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Able_Walker
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Posted: Sat Jun 30th, 2007 02:11 am |
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Get the police to respond a bit quicker
George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when Available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available .
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Frankfurt-Beesa
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Posted: Wed Jul 4th, 2007 08:48 am |
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____________________
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Velton
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Posted: Wed Jul 4th, 2007 11:38 am |
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Miriam?
Funny name for a bloke!
____________________
Just being old doesn't make it a "Classic."
Aaaah.Nostalgia isn't what it used to be!
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ClassicMCnut
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 4th, 2007 01:56 pm |
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Why I Love the Irish!!
>
>
>
> At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for
> some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in
> total silence, he says into the microphone...."I want you to think about
> something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
>
> A voice with a heavy Irish brogue from the front of the audience yells
> out...."Well then stop clapping, ya asshole!"
____________________
Do unto others before they do unto you.Wise men learn by other men's mistakes,fools by their own.
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millard
Member
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Posted: Thu Jul 5th, 2007 04:43 pm |
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From another site
If the Terrorist attempt had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow.
Eyewitness accounts :
America: "Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, i just ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to me"
Glasgow "This c**t wis running aboot on fire, so ah ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him"
***************************************************************
America:" I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:" here pal, am no leaving here till am oan ma fu**in' plane!"
****************************************************************
America:" there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what was happening, i thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:"F**k this fur a kerry oan, moan we'll get a pint in"
****************************************************************
America:" We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just
ran for my life"
Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran
up n gave him a good boot in the baws"
****************************************************************
America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought i was gonna
die"
Glasgow:" There wis a wee bang, yi know like when yi throw a BO basher intae a fire, it wis like that"
*****************************************************************
America:" I'm too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"
*****************************************************************
Finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........John Smeaton (these are real!)
John just surpassed himself on the National ITV new. The interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied "This is Scotland pal, come here n we'll just set aboot yae"
John did an interview on CNN and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "Me and other folk were just tryin to get the boot intae um and some other guy banjoed him" !
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millard
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 16th, 2007 |
| Location: | United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 144 |
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Posted: Thu Jul 5th, 2007 04:49 pm |
|
From another site
If the Terrorist attempt had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow.
Eyewitness accounts :
America: "Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, i just ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to me"
Glasgow "This c**t wis running aboot on fire, so ah ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him"
***************************************************************
America:" I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:" here pal, am no leaving here till am oan ma fu**in' plane!"
****************************************************************
America:" there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what was happening, i thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:"F**k this fur a kerry oan, moan we'll get a pint in"
****************************************************************
America:" We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just
ran for my life"
Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran
up n gave him a good boot in the baws"
****************************************************************
America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought i was gonna
die"
Glasgow:" There wis a wee bang, yi know like when yi throw a BO basher intae a fire, it wis like that"
*****************************************************************
America:" I'm too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"
*****************************************************************
Finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........John Smeaton (these are real!)
John just surpassed himself on the National ITV new. The interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied "This is Scotland pal, come here n we'll just set aboot yae"
John did an interview on CNN and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "Me and other folk were just tryin to get the boot intae um and some other guy banjoed him" !
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WelshWizard
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 04:18 am |
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A man riding his Harley was riding along a California
beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head
and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you
have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to
Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord
said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the
supports required reaching the bottom of the
Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can
do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
for worldly things. Take a little more time and think
of something that could possibly help mankind." The
biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he
said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could
understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when
she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman
truly happy."
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Last edited on Fri Jul 6th, 2007 04:42 am by WelshWizard
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pete
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 11:32 am |
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http://www.johnsmeaton.com
Classic Weegie Billy Connolly - eat yer hert oot !
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ClassicMCnut
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 10:13 pm |
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Chicken Farmer
> > >>>
> > >>> A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered
a glass of champagne.
> > >>>
> > >>> The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass
> of champagne, too!"
> > >>>
> > >>> "What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm
> > >>> celebrating."
> > >>>
> > >>> "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
> > >>>
> > >>> "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked,
> > >>> "What are you celebrating?"
> > >>>
> > >>> "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
> > >>> gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
> > >>>
> > >>> "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years ..all
> > >>> my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized
> > >>> eggs."
> > >>>
> > >>> "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?
> "
> > >>>
> > >>> "I switched cocks," he replied.
> > >>>
> > >>> She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
____________________
Do unto others before they do unto you.Wise men learn by other men's mistakes,fools by their own.
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ClassicMCnut
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 10:18 pm |
|
| Sorry doubled up Last edited on Sat Jul 7th, 2007 01:36 pm by ClassicMCnut
____________________
Do unto others before they do unto you.Wise men learn by other men's mistakes,fools by their own.
|
ClassicMCnut
Member
|
Posted: Sun Jul 22nd, 2007 11:19 pm |
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On the first day of school, the children brought
gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a
bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the
teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a
little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop
and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy...
"It's a puppy
<~~Got rid of the hat it looked silly on me
____________________
Do unto others before they do unto you.Wise men learn by other men's mistakes,fools by their own.
|
ClassicMCnut
Member
|
Posted: Tue Jul 24th, 2007 03:20 pm |
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>>George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little
>>PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his
>>hand and George asks him his name.
>
>
>"Stanley," responds the little boy.
>
>"And what is your question, Stanley?"
>
>
>"I have?3 questions:
>
>
>First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
>
>
>Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
>
>Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
>
>Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that
>they will continue after recess.? When they resume George says, "OK, where
>were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
>
>Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his
>name.
>
>"Steve," he responds.
>
>"And what is your question, Steve?"
>
>"Actually, I have?5 questions.
>
>First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
>
>Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
>
>Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
>
>Fourth,?why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
>
>And Fifth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"
____________________
Do unto others before they do unto you.Wise men learn by other men's mistakes,fools by their own.
|
ClassicMCnut
Member
|
Posted: Wed Jul 25th, 2007 07:12 pm |
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There once was a lady who was tired of living alone.
So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements.
She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it,
and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair
who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see,
I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I
can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
____________________
Do unto others before they do unto you.Wise men learn by other men's mistakes,fools by their own.
|
Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
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Posted: Thu Jul 26th, 2007 05:41 am |
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____________________
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ClassicMCnut
Member
|
Posted: Thu Jul 26th, 2007 11:43 am |
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Frankfurt-Beesa wrote:
I still wonder who the first person was who said "Lets eat the next thing that comes out of her bum"
____________________
Do unto others before they do unto you.Wise men learn by other men's mistakes,fools by their own.
|
jessplop84
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 27th, 2007 01:04 am |
|
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
> > Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
> > "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
> > "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
____________________
"Keep the sh!te out of our sheds"*
http://www.yeti-monster.com : applied shedology
*early 1970s shedology campaign slogan.
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