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SMIFFY R
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| Joined: | Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 |
| Location: | Le Grau Du Roi, France |
| Posts: | 661 |
| Favourite Bike: | Egli-Vincent |
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Posted: Tue May 22nd, 2007 08:28 pm |
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Bloke lying in a private room in hospital(those were the days!) when there's a knock on the door, bloke says "Come in"
Doctor enters,"Ah good morning Mr Prewitt,just a quick examination"
Doc looks in his ears, up his nose,in his eyes, opens his mouth and pushes his fingers down his throat. Takes his blood pressure & pulse, then examines his penis and testicles,gets him to cough, turns him over and explores his rectum intimately, takes his temperature with an anal thermometer.Checks his muscular reactions at the knees and feet, and after another five minutes generally prodding says "Well Mr Prewitt everthing seems to be in order, any questions?"
Yeah, why did you bother to f*****g knock!!
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The meek shall inherit the earth,umm,if that's alright with you guys
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Cliff
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| Joined: | Tue May 8th, 2007 |
| Location: | Daventry, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 845 |
| Favourite Bike: | BMW airheads |
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Posted: Wed May 23rd, 2007 10:25 am |
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Frankfurt-Beesa wrote:
Young lady goes to Doctor with abdominal twinges. He runs the usual gamut of tests, and sit her down.
"Well Miss Green," he says, "I hope you are looking forward to many long sleepless nights, filled with crying and changing dirty nappies."
"Why?" she replies, "Am I pregnant?"
"No - You have bowel cancer"
Laughed and laughed....You sick b**ard
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AHH bikes and dogs...The only things I ever understood
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
| Favourite Bike: | My little HodgePodge |
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Posted: Wed May 23rd, 2007 01:07 pm |
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Frankfurt-Beesa
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| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
| Favourite Bike: | My little HodgePodge |
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Posted: Wed May 23rd, 2007 01:33 pm |
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Did you know:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
| Favourite Bike: | My little HodgePodge |
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Posted: Wed May 23rd, 2007 02:13 pm |
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| An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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Hooli
Member
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Posted: Wed May 23rd, 2007 11:38 pm |
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The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prustitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!".
"sorry, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years'
Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prustitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said
"a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
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Fixer of the Stroppy one
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
| Favourite Bike: | My little HodgePodge |
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Posted: Fri May 25th, 2007 12:57 pm |
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Hooli
Member
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Posted: Fri May 25th, 2007 01:51 pm |
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| . Attachment: Scared Scales.jpeg (Downloaded 199 times)
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Fixer of the Stroppy one
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fastfranky
Member
| Joined: | Wed Jan 24th, 2007 |
| Location: | The Hot Sunny Part Of, France |
| Posts: | 1590 |
| Favourite Bike: | 1980 Jota 180° ... |
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 06:03 am |
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The Irish Blond
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice, at the casino.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."  
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
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(¯`·.¸¸.2fast2live2young2die.¸¸.·´¯)
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james guthrie w
Member
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Posted: Wed Jun 13th, 2007 11:01 pm |
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bloke goes to the doctors with an unpleasant complaint with his trouser snake,after a careful and thorough examination wearing double gloves and a face mask the doctor delivers his verdict.....
doc: "it,s as i thought sir,i,m afraid you have a nasty case of G.A.S.H."
bloke:"that sounds terrible doctor,what is it?"
doc:"it stands for gonnarreha,aids,syphylis and herpes"
bloke:"what can you do for me doc?"
doc: " i perscribe a diet of dover sole and pitta bread"
bloke; "will i be cured"
doc:" no there is no cure for what you have and its highly infectous,thats all we can get under the door!"
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after instilling the 'share your toys ethic'in my children,they decided i had to share my toys as well!
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millard
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| Joined: | Mon Apr 16th, 2007 |
| Location: | United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 144 |
| Favourite Bike: | all of em |
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Posted: Fri Jun 15th, 2007 06:31 pm |
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| Micheal Barrymore was asked if he's doing panto this year, he said he didn't think so as he did Alladin 4 years ago and has never heard the end of it
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
| Favourite Bike: | My little HodgePodge |
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Posted: Wed Jun 20th, 2007 02:20 pm |
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Print this and give it to your wife or other resident shoe hoarder:
Last edited on Wed Jun 20th, 2007 02:22 pm by Frankfurt-Beesa
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Baldyman
Member
| Joined: | Wed Dec 27th, 2006 |
| Location: | Norfolk, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 1160 |
| Favourite Bike: | Got an XJR1300, want a Ducati Monster |
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Posted: Wed Jun 20th, 2007 08:41 pm |
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Didnt go down too well with Mrs BM!
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Bollox.
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
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Posted: Thu Jun 21st, 2007 01:21 pm |
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The 5 most difficult question your missus can, and will ask
The questions are:
- What are you thinking about?
- Do you love me?
- Do I look fat?
- Do you think she is prettier than me?
- What would you do if I died?
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
- Bike.
- Football.
- How fat you are.
- How much prettier she is than you.
- How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
- I suppose so.
- Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
- That depends on what you mean by love.
- Does it matter?
- Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
- Compared to what?
- I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
- A little extra weight looks good on you.
- I've seen fatter.
- Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
- Yes, but you have a better personality
- Not prettier, but definitely thinner
- Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
- Define 'pretty'
- Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Vincent.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: She....Would you get married again?
He.....Definitely not!
She....Why not - don't you like being married?
He.....Of course I do.
She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?
He.....Okay, I'd get married again.
She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He.....Yes, I would.
She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He.....Where else would we sleep?
She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She....And would you let her use my Bikes?
He.....She can't use them, she hasn't got a license.
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TheMightyGusset
Member
| Joined: | Tue Feb 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Coventry, And Rural Bulgaria |
| Posts: | 2962 |
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Posted: Thu Jun 21st, 2007 03:51 pm |
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Apparently genuine !
I'd imagine there was much swearing at going home time !
Last edited on Thu Jun 21st, 2007 04:14 pm by TheMightyGusset
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Gus
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fastfranky
Member
| Joined: | Wed Jan 24th, 2007 |
| Location: | The Hot Sunny Part Of, France |
| Posts: | 1590 |
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Posted: Thu Jun 21st, 2007 06:19 pm |
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TheMightyGusset wrote: Apparently genuine !
I'd imagine there was much swearing at going home time !
Errr, sorry, this one's a bit too subtile for my small brain. Can someone explain the joke 
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(¯`·.¸¸.2fast2live2young2die.¸¸.·´¯)
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TheMightyGusset
Member
| Joined: | Tue Feb 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Coventry, And Rural Bulgaria |
| Posts: | 2962 |
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Posted: Thu Jun 21st, 2007 08:32 pm |
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fastfranky wroteErrr, sorry, this one's a bit too subtile for my small brain. Can someone explain the joke
Erm - Position of van.
Freshly Planted Bollards !
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Gus
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Hooli
Member
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Posted: Thu Jun 21st, 2007 08:38 pm |
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TheMightyGusset wrote: Apparently genuine !
I'd imagine there was much swearing at going home time !
last bollard to the right - directly behind the van has been photoshopped in. notice it hasnt got the lower area around it, unlike the rest.
no i didnt spend ages checking that out, id seen it elsewhere.
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Fixer of the Stroppy one
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TheMightyGusset
Member
| Joined: | Tue Feb 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Coventry, And Rural Bulgaria |
| Posts: | 2962 |
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Posted: Thu Jun 21st, 2007 08:55 pm |
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Spoilsport !
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Gus
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fastfranky
Member
| Joined: | Wed Jan 24th, 2007 |
| Location: | The Hot Sunny Part Of, France |
| Posts: | 1590 |
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Posted: Fri Jun 22nd, 2007 05:59 am |
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| Doh! too late in the afternoon! too hot! too f***ing dumb
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(¯`·.¸¸.2fast2live2young2die.¸¸.·´¯)
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