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fastfranky
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| Joined: | Wed Jan 24th, 2007 |
| Location: | The Hot Sunny Part Of, France |
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Posted: Sun Mar 25th, 2007 02:37 pm |
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| Well, now I know, don't I? Considering the celtic blood that flows in my veins I should be ashamed, guess the supernatural never really inspired me........
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(¯`·.¸¸.2fast2live2young2die.¸¸.·´¯)
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jimmy
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| Joined: | Sun Jan 28th, 2007 |
| Location: | Gourock, Scotland |
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 03:08 pm |
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The names have been changed to protect the innocent
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
£15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops
at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question. the girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get
some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks MacNatter who is waiting
next to her the same question.
Nutts replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your
bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
MacNutty slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. Nutty bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently
pinches each nipple. Finally the Nutty boy pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I ?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could
you tell?"
Mac Natter says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
 --------McNutts looking slightly glazed
 
Last edited on Tue Mar 27th, 2007 03:09 pm by jimmy
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ClassicMCnut
Member
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Posted: Thu Mar 29th, 2007 10:52 am |
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Husband and wife in bed together. *
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. *
She: "Oh, that feels good." *
His hand moves to her breast.*
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."*
His hand moves to her leg. *
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."*
But he stops.*
She: "Why did you stop?" *
He: "I found the remote."*
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Do unto others before they do unto you.Wise men learn by other men's mistakes,fools by their own.
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SMIFFY R
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| Joined: | Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 |
| Location: | Le Grau Du Roi, France |
| Posts: | 665 |
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Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 09:01 pm |
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Duck goes into the chemist and asks for some condoms.the assistant puts them on the counter and says "There you are Mr Duck, are you paying cash or shall I put them on your bill?"
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The meek shall inherit the earth,umm,if that's alright with you guys
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ClassicMCnut
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 10:31 pm |
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What is a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme
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Do unto others before they do unto you.Wise men learn by other men's mistakes,fools by their own.
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SMIFFY R
Member
| Joined: | Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 |
| Location: | Le Grau Du Roi, France |
| Posts: | 665 |
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Posted: Wed Apr 4th, 2007 08:54 am |
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During the war 2 brothers both unable to join the armed services cos one has 1 huge eye in the centre of his head the second has one massive ear on the left of his head. So they go down to the docks to try the Merchant navy one of the captains takes them on and says to the one with the eye "You go up the mast, you can be the lookout " The second one gets to clean and swab the decks. After afew days at sea the lookout shouts "German battleship on the port bow!" The captain has a look thro his telescope and replies "Where? I can't see anything" The lookout says "I told you, it's on the port bow and it's coming towards us!" The captain has another look "I still can't see anything" By now the lookout is starting to panic "Keep looking, I'm telling you it's coming our way!" The old man keeps his telescope trained on the horizon and slowly a tiny dark shape emerges "Bloody Hell! he exclaims how do you know it's German?" The lookout replies "My brother can hear them singing!"
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The meek shall inherit the earth,umm,if that's alright with you guys
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850norton
Member
| Joined: | Wed Jan 31st, 2007 |
| Location: | Banbury,OXON/Elmendorf,, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1394 |
| Favourite Bike: | 77 Norton 850 Mk3, 68 BSA B25 Starfire |
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Posted: Thu Apr 5th, 2007 03:26 am |
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A man is walking down the street when he sees a blind man on the corner with his seeing eye dog.
The man is shocked as he sees the blind man grab the dog by the tail and start to swing it around over his head.
The man angerly asks "Good God man, what in hells name are you doing?"
The blind man replies, "I'm 'aving a look around."
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You sick little monkey!!!!!! Everyone has the right to be stupid....some abuse that right !!!
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SMIFFY R
Member
| Joined: | Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 |
| Location: | Le Grau Du Roi, France |
| Posts: | 665 |
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Posted: Thu Apr 5th, 2007 07:02 am |
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Bloke owns a pub which is doing really badly, so he goes to see another licencee on arrival the pub is packed he eventualy gets to the bar and asks landlord the secret of his success "Novelty entertainment mate" he replies "Tonight we've got a dancing duck, thats what draws them in" Bloke has a look and in the centre of the room is a duck tap-dancing on a biscuit tin. So eventualy he persuads the licencee to sell him the duck. The next evening he sets the duck up in his pub and people come from miles around as the word spreads by the end of the night he's made a fortune,as he retires to bed with his wife she says "Look, I know it's made us a lot of money tonight, but can you stop the damn thing dancing?" The bloke "Oh s*** I don't know how to!" So he rings the other landlord and asks him "I've had this bloody duck for two days now how the hell do I stop him dancing?" Landlord replies "Oh sorry I forgot to tell you, just blow out the candle in the tin".
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The meek shall inherit the earth,umm,if that's alright with you guys
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LozExpat
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Sat Dec 23rd, 2006 |
| Location: | Korat, Thailand |
| Posts: | 3116 |
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Posted: Thu Apr 5th, 2007 08:21 am |
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SMIFFY R wrote: During the war 2 brothers both unable to join the armed services cos one has 1 huge eye in the centre of his head the second has one massive ear on the left of his head. So they go down to the docks to try the Merchant navy one of the captains takes them on and says to the one with the eye "You go up the mast, you can be the lookout " The second one gets to clean and swab the decks. After afew days at sea the lookout shouts "German battleship on the port bow!" The captain has a look thro his telescope and replies "Where? I can't see anything" The lookout says "I told you, it's on the port bow and it's coming towards us!" The captain has another look "I still can't see anything" By now the lookout is starting to panic "Keep looking, I'm telling you it's coming our way!" The old man keeps his telescope trained on the horizon and slowly a tiny dark shape emerges "Bloody Hell! he exclaims how do you know it's German?" The lookout replies "My brother can hear them singing!"
Rolling around crying with laughter! I only hope I can remember it when I meet some English speaking folks!
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You can have things or you can have money... So I went for both. They never mentioned frustration...B*stards!
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LozExpat
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Sat Dec 23rd, 2006 |
| Location: | Korat, Thailand |
| Posts: | 3116 |
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Posted: Thu Apr 5th, 2007 01:19 pm |
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Q. WHY ARE HURRICANES NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they "come", they're wild and wet. But when they "go", they take your house and car with them.
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You can have things or you can have money... So I went for both. They never mentioned frustration...B*stards!
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
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Posted: Thu Apr 5th, 2007 01:55 pm |
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| ROFL
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vfactory
Member
| Joined: | Sat Dec 23rd, 2006 |
| Location: | Bushey, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 359 |
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Posted: Thu Apr 5th, 2007 06:22 pm |
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LozExpat wrote: Q. WHY ARE HURRICANES NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they "come", they're wild and wet. But when they "go", they take your house and car with them.
LOL!!!
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Its Not What You Ride
Its How You Ride It That Counts!
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SMIFFY R
Member
| Joined: | Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 |
| Location: | Le Grau Du Roi, France |
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Posted: Fri May 4th, 2007 09:14 am |
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Little girlie field mouse has her first date, so she has her hair done, buys a new dress, does the make-up etc, get her self ready and sets of across the fields for her rondevous. On the way she gets caught up in a combine harvester and after being pushed and pulled through the machine she's thrown out onto the ground, her dress is all torn, hair ruined and make-up smudged. when she finally meets her handsome date he takes one look at her and says "Good heavens! What happened to you?" she replies "I've been reaped!"
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The meek shall inherit the earth,umm,if that's alright with you guys
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
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Posted: Tue May 8th, 2007 08:33 am |
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
"Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted :-)
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SMIFFY R
Member
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| Location: | Le Grau Du Roi, France |
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Posted: Tue May 8th, 2007 05:44 pm |
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A young woman had trouble with her washing machine, so she phoned a repair man, he said he would be able to look at the machine on Friday morning. The woman said she would be at work, but as the man had been recomended she would leave the key to the appartement under the door mat, she explained that she had some pets , a very large bulldog called Spike,and a parrot, the bulldog was ferocious but usually very quiet, but she emphisised on no account say anything to the parrot!
On Friday the man arrived at the appartement and let himself in, sure enough there was the bulldog keeping a wary eye on him, but not moving. As he started to work the parrot began to shriek abuse and swear non stop, after working with a torrent of filth and profanity for 2hrs he turned to the bird and said "Why don't you shut-up you scrawny ba****d!" The parrot said "Get him Spike!"
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The meek shall inherit the earth,umm,if that's alright with you guys
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chancho196
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| Joined: | Tue Dec 26th, 2006 |
| Location: | United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 290 |
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Posted: Thu May 17th, 2007 07:47 pm |
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
"Where's that f*****g monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts ... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bulls*** and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Don't fix what ain't broke!!!!!
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WelshWizard
Member
| Joined: | Thu Apr 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Far Side Of The World |
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Posted: Sat May 19th, 2007 11:31 am |
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It should have happened to the British Motorcycle industry
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources Rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
Last edited on Sat May 19th, 2007 11:37 am by WelshWizard
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
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Posted: Tue May 22nd, 2007 11:50 am |
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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
Last edited on Tue May 22nd, 2007 11:51 am by Frankfurt-Beesa
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
| Posts: | 7884 |
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Posted: Tue May 22nd, 2007 11:51 am |
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Young lady goes to Doctor with abdominal twinges. He runs the usual gamut of tests, and sit her down.
"Well Miss Green," he says, "I hope you are looking forward to many long sleepless nights, filled with crying and changing dirty nappies."
"Why?" she replies, "Am I pregnant?"
"No - You have bowel cancer"
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Frankfurt-Beesa
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Frankfurt Am Main, Germany |
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Posted: Tue May 22nd, 2007 01:01 pm |
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Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
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