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ClassicMCnut
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Posted: Sun Feb 18th, 2007 01:45 pm |
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Rebuilt wrote: Hoola hoops?
mahola hopes!
The guys hoping he's on a promise?
me too Rebuilt I hope you promise never to tell another joke like that one
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LozExpat
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Posted: Sun Feb 18th, 2007 03:02 pm |
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A guy walks into a bar....
OWWW!!
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Rebuilt
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Posted: Sun Feb 18th, 2007 04:32 pm |
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| That sounds like me in mi workshop!
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shoogly
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Posted: Mon Feb 19th, 2007 01:23 am |
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Read that an laughed, but Ah,m Scottish an aw.
Ah,ve got a bonnie Bonnie
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Rebuilt
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Posted: Mon Feb 19th, 2007 09:28 am |
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| I never told the Holo hoop one.....Mines the very, very long winded-un-funny one!
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jessplop84
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Posted: Mon Feb 19th, 2007 11:26 am |
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shoogly wrote: Read that an laughed, but Ah,m Scottish an aw.
Ah,ve got a bonnie Bonnie
Aye, an ah've got a bonnie bonnie an aw, bet ma bonnie lies o'er the ocean, ma boonie lies o'er the sea....
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ClassicMCnut
Member
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Posted: Mon Feb 19th, 2007 01:40 pm |
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Jess writes:
Aye, an ah've got a bonnie bonnie an aw, bet ma bonnie lies o'er the ocean,
ma boonie lies o'er the sea....
Some lousy bastard has knicked my Bonnie
Oh bring back ma Bonnie to meeeeeeeeeeeeee.
<~~ Smug git McNut
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Frankfurt-Beesa
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Posted: Tue Feb 20th, 2007 02:35 pm |
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Sister Mary and Sister Susan are driving home to the convent late one evening, when suddenly a vampire lands on the bonnet of the car and starts trying to break the windscreen, sister Mary says "Sister Susan, quick show him your cross"
Sister Susan sticks her head out of the passenger side window and...
...Shouts "Get off the F#cking car!!!!!!!"
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Frankfurt-Beesa
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Posted: Tue Mar 6th, 2007 08:45 am |
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Try this and see how long it takes:
Attachment: a_beer.jpg (Downloaded 259 times)
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chancho196
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Posted: Sat Mar 17th, 2007 11:00 pm |
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On the kids version of Stars in your Eyes, a young lad comes on stage and Matthew Kelly introduces him to the audience.
He then says "Now Simon, you have a rather remarkable but, sad story to tell us all before you get ready don't you?"
The young lad replies "Yes Matthew. I was in a car with my uncle last year and we were involved in an accident. Unfortunately, I lost my legs in the crash and my uncle was killed. However, with the amazing advances in medical science, the doctors were able to graft my dead uncles legs onto my body."
"Well ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for young Simon and his remarkable story" replies Matthew. "Now then Simon, who are you going to be tonight?"
"Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Simon and halfuncle."
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chancho196
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Posted: Sat Mar 17th, 2007 11:09 pm |
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The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture. There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!"
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that ...Luis races toward the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
Ees..........
Ees...
Ees........
Ees....
Eees a Ham Bush!?
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Able_Walker
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 12:50 am |
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Voted Best Joke in Ireland
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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LozExpat
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 07:59 pm |
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Propper resepct for that one!
should adorn the wall of any respectable shed...
Last edited on Sun Mar 18th, 2007 07:59 pm by LozExpat
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You can have things or you can have money... So I went for both. They never mentioned frustration...B*stards!
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rgvneil
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 08:58 pm |
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Do you know the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
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Broadbandylegs
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Posted: Fri Mar 23rd, 2007 12:23 am |
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 Attachment: pic19716[1] (2).jpg (Downloaded 192 times)
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shoogly
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Posted: Sat Mar 24th, 2007 01:51 am |
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Man`s walking along the shore after a big storm when he finds a kelpie trapped by a boulder. After a bit struggle he gets the kelpie free. Gratefull kelpie say`s Ah`l give ye a wish.
Well say`s the man My brother moved tae New York 10 years ago and Ah don`t like ships or planes, so could you build a bridge so that I can go an see him on ma bike.
Kelpie is raging, "You any idea how far it is, or how deep is the Atlantic, awright Ah`v got the magic powers but be serious ah`m busy
Right says the man, Ah`v been married and divorced twice, ah`v just split with ma girlfriend, and ah just don`t understand women, could you help me out here.
Kelpie lets oot a long sigh, then says "Where dae ye wan`t the bridge tae start
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Able_Walker
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Posted: Sat Mar 24th, 2007 08:19 am |
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Did you hear about the motorcyclist who lost his whole left side in a bad accident?...........He's all right now.
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fastfranky
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Posted: Sat Mar 24th, 2007 12:53 pm |
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| Sorry to be dumb, but, errr what's a kelpie?
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LozExpat
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Posted: Sun Mar 25th, 2007 10:51 am |
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If I had to guess, I'd say it was a magic fish. at least this one had magic powers. Kelp are sea dwellers, no?
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Frankfurt-Beesa
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Posted: Sun Mar 25th, 2007 11:05 am |
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fastfranky wrote: Sorry to be dumb, but, errr what's a kelpie?
I seem to remember it being something like a Loch Ness Monster type creature. Secret Scottish dinosaur.
Correction:
The kelpie is a supernatural shape-shifting water horse from Celtic folklore that is believed to haunt the rivers and lochs of Scotland and Ireland. In Orkney a similar creature was called the Nuggle, and in Shetland a similar creature was called the Shoopiltee. It also appears in Scandinavian folklore where it in Sweden is known by the name Bäckahästen, the brook horse. In Norway it is called nøkken, where the horse shape is often used, but is not its true form.
Last edited on Sun Mar 25th, 2007 11:08 am by Frankfurt-Beesa
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